Fever
by JaneIsles
Summary: Scully gets sick and Mulder stays at home to take care of her. MSR. MULDER/SCULLY. Part of the "Our Home"-Series.
1. Chapter 1

It was some time late in the afternoon when Scully walked into the house, a little bit earlier than she had intended to. She hadn't finished half of the work she had wanted to do after Mulder had left her in the basement office. Sometimes it was better for both of them if they worked in two separate places when they weren't away, chasing ghosts in another city or state. Scully had meant to catch up on paperwork and overdue reports while Mulder had promised to go home and move the messy spot, that he called his home office, from the living room to the study. He had set up the bookshelf they had bought at Ikea and even picked up all the books that were laying around in the entire house but he still hadn't removed the rest of it and she hadn't been up to nagging, knowing that she shouldn't ask for too much at once.

It was on a Tuesday noon that he had left the office and she didn't really care whether he would go somewhere to pursue leads on some case that he considered interesting or if he'd actually go home and do as he had promised. Scully sat on his desk, slightly annoyed that she still didn't have her own desk by now, and was in the middle of typing up the most recent report when frustration got the better of her. She leaned back with a sigh, taking off her glasses. She pinched the back of her nose with two fingers and closed her eyes for a few seconds. She felt unusually tired today and there was just something about it that made her feel uneasy. There was a dull headache that had been bothering her all morning but she had simply brushed it off though it hadn't ceased as the hours had passed and the time spent in front of a screen hadn't worked in her favor.

Her eyes hurt and there was this damn cold that had been lingering inside of her all morning. Scully had ignored it though she should have known that it hadn't been the smartest thing to do. It didn't fade nor did she feel better as the hours had dragged by. Her own cheeks felt warm to the touch although she refused to believe it was of any significance; maybe her hands were just cold because she had been feeling chilled the whole time.

Even Mulder had remarked how quiet she had been ever since they had got out of bed in the morning; she hadn't been particularly talkative but she had blamed it on being tired and busy with work, later in the day. She sat in the silence of the office, knowing she should probably treasure and get some work done while Mulder was out but she felt uncomfortable and didn't care any longer. She hugged herself, opening her eyes with a sigh. Scully felt slightly queasy, not knowing whether it was because she hadn't eaten anything all day or whether it was vice versa; she hadn't eaten because she had felt slightly sick the whole time. She couldn't say but she wasn't in the mood to find out; the thought of any kind of food didn't seem too appealing at the moment.

By 4pm she decided to call it a day because she hadn't finished anything; her mind had been wandering and she couldn't help but feel miserable for herself. If she wasn't mistaken she had got a fever over the last few hours and she couldn't deny that every damn part of her body was starting to feel achy. For a little while she considered calling Mulder to pick her up but she refused to give in, thinking that she was still very capable of driving home herself.

The moment she pulled up in front of the house she hated herself for being so stubborn, realizing that it had been a bad idea and she was lucky she actually got here in one piece but truth be told she was too exhausted to be mad at herself. Everything hurt and her body was shaking when she climbed out of the car and it took everything she had not to start crying. She just wanted to crawl into her bed and sleep any not talk to anyone for the rest of the day.

Scully unlocked the front door and kicked off her shoes, Mulder looked up when she walked in.

„Hey Scully, you're early," he said but she hardly paid him any attention. She took off her jacket and a shiver ran down her spine but she really didn't want to sleep in it.

„Mhm," she murmured and dropped her bag on the couch.

„Everything okay?" he asked and watched her as she dragged herself up the stairs without looking at him. She didn't even notice that he had done absolutely nothing about his desk and he was getting a little worried. He hardly ever saw her like this and something about the whole thing alarmed him.

„Just wanna sleep," she whispered and with that she disappeared, then it was quiet. He couldn't hear anything, not even the bathroom door so he dropped his book on the coffee table and walked upstairs.

„Scully?" he asked quietly and walked into the bedroom to find her curled up on her side of the bed, still wearing all her clothes. He approached her quietly, crouching down by her side. She was fast asleep, looking far too pale for his liking.

„Oh dear," he said quietly. She had been unusually quiet this morning and he just now noticed that she hadn't finished her coffee earlier and that she hadn't had anything for lunch either. He hadn't given it much thought but it started to make sense now and it worried him just a little.

Scully was much better at this and he often found himself at a loss when caring for her when she was sick. He was always afraid of doing something wrong and he hated to see her suffer in any kind of way. Gently he touched her cheek with the back of his fingers and the skin felt too warm and a little sweaty to his touch, there was no doubt she was running a fever. He hadn't even noticed how poorly she was feeling all day and he just wanted to help her feel better somehow. He walked over to the drawer to get her pajamas and she didn't even stir when he started to take off her clothes. He didn't want to wake her, hoping it wouldn't creep her out that someone was undressing her in her sleep but something told him she wouldn't notice.

Mulder took off her trousers, feeling mildly relieved that she had chosen to wear a blouse today, it made undressing just a little bit easier now. He unbuttoned it, revealing her cream colored skin. At some point she was groaning softly but he figured it wasn't triggered by any kind of pleasant so he quickly dressed her in her pj's.

„It's ok, Scully," he said, not sure if she heard him. Mulder made sure she'd be tucked in properly before he picked up her clothes and lowered the blinds. It was just around 5pm in the afternoon and the sun was shining low but she didn't even see. He stopped before he left the room, turning around to go back to her. He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her forehead; the skin felt warm to the touch.

Mulder went downstairs, not exactly sure what to do. For a moment he felt a bit lost. He had been waiting for her to come home because it's one thing he had got used to and relied on. She was here now but it did unsettle him a little that she wasn't feeling well, it made the house seem too quiet all of a sudden. He wanted to be with her and make sure she was ok, knowing that there wasn't much he could do now that she was fast asleep. He had a sudden urge to be beside her and make sure nothing happened but then again she wasn't a little kid who needed permanent supervision.

He was certain that she didn't want to be touched; sometimes when she felt unwell she couldn't stand it and sometimes she craved it even more and unless he could tell the difference he wouldn't bother her.

He could make tea because it always seemed a good idea when things didn't go quite as planned but on the way to the kitchen he ran his hand through his hair, remembering that Scully was asleep and he wouldn't wake her to have tea; she didn't even finish her coffee and that was quite unusual. He sighed, not knowing what to do with himself. He could go through their medicine cabinet but she was usually the one keeping track of its contents, the only thing he was familiar with was the usual pain medication.

With a sigh he looked at his desk and all the books and files piling up on it and decided to distract himself after all and a part of him couldn't wait to see her face when she saw that he had actually done as he had promised and she tried to hide her excitement about it. He picked up all the books that he didn't need at the moment and carried them to the other room where he didn't even bother to put them in some kind of order before he lined them up on the shelf by the window.

One by one the desk started to clear and after almost two hours he had managed to leave it with nothing but the files that he actually worked on; he had even sharpened his pencils but that was as far as he would go tonight. Now that most of the work was done he found himself going slightly restless so he picked up his phone, and the book he was currently reading. In the kitchen he fetched two small bottles of water from the fridge, thinking that Scully should have some sooner or later, should she wake up.

He thought he might as well read upstairs where he could keep an eye on her. She was still fast asleep in exactly the same position that he had left her in though he could see that her cheeks were flushed and there was a fine layer of sweat on her skin.

He dropped the bottle and his book on the drawer, walking to the bathroom to get a cool cloth to wipe her face, hoping it would make her feel a little better. Mulder opened the door to the medicine cabinet, coming across some familiar names. He remembered Tylenol and a few others, trying to figure out what Scully might need but she probably knew that better than him.

She groaned quietly when the cool cloth touched her forehead and stirred a little, rolling on her back but she didn't open her eyes.

„I'm right here, if you need anything," he said and folded the cloth to leave it on her head, knowing that it probably wouldn't stay cool for long. She was trembling and he was at a bit of a loss, knowing that there wasn't much he could do at the moment.

He got ready for bed without paying attention to the time, switching on the bedside lamp on his side before he disappeared into the bathroom. It could be a very quiet night if she slept right through it, knowing that he would probably be incredibly restless anyway to make sure she was doing ok. Mulder crawled into bed, trying not to make any noise or move too much and tried to focus on his book. Every now and then he found himself looking at her, wondering if this was as painful as true love would get.

He had never really given it much thought, especially not when they had been estranged for quite some time because there had been so many other things on his mind. As wonderful as it felt to be overwhelmed with joy and the love he felt for her he couldn't help but think that it was just as awful. It left him feel helpless when he saw her suffering like that. After everything they had been through a part of him still thought that Scully didn't get sick. She was so strong that he had no doubt she would pull through but seeing her absolutely shattered wasn't something he ever wanted to see again and he just wanted to protect her from it.

It was a normal thing that happened every now and then but it still didn't change that he had a constant urge to protect her from it whenever he could. When he could no longer focus on the story - he didn't even remember what was written on the last four pages - he decided to call it a night. He laid awake for a few more minutes listening to her even breathing, trying to resist the urge to reach out and touch her. She was so close to him and yet she seemed so far away.

The next time he opened his eyes he woke to sounds coming from the bathroom and he reached out, finding Scully's side of the bed empty. He heard faint sounds of retching coming through the bathroom door that she had left ajar. Mulder was immediately alert though not particularly delighted and climbed out of bed to make sure Scully was okay.

She heard him when he entered the bathroom though she didn't have the strength to look at him just yet while her body was still trying to figure out whether she was going to be sick again or not. A few minutes before she awoke with a start, immediately noticing that something was wrong. She had felt light-headed and her heart had been pounding in her chest and it had taken her a few moments until it dawned on her that the only reason her sleep had been disturbed was because she was going to be sick. She had hurried to the bathroom, making it just in time and now found herself kneeling in front of the toilet with a slightly pained look on her face.

She was pale and her cheeks flushed, every part of her body hurt and she felt disgusted by the feeling of cold sweat all over her body. She stayed where she was, afraid she might be sick again the moment she moved. She felt tears in her eyes and tried to focus on taking deep and calm breaths, hoping it would ease the nausea somehow. She didn't even look when she heard the water run and Mulder crouched down beside her.

„Go away," she whispered and leaned her head on her hand, closing her eyes.

„Don't be silly," he said, gently dabbing her face with it. She whined softly though it did feel quite pleasant until she felt a fresh wave of nausea overcome her and Mulder held her hair, one hand drawing slow circles on her lower back.

Scully groaned quietly, shivering at the disgusting feeling. She felt miserable, cold sweat covering her face.

„You think you gonna be sick again?" he asked after a few minutes when things seemed to have calmed down a little. She was leaning back against him; her eyes closed, a pained look on her face.

„No," she whispered, sounding a bit hoarse. „I don't know," she shook her head, sounding unusually poorly and tired. She decided to try to get up anyway and Mulder helped her, standing close by in case she needed help. Scully put both hands on the edge of the sink, taking a few deep breaths. She reached for a hair-tie, put her hair in a bun; god knows it might come in handy a little later.

„Tell me what you need," Mulder said and she just shook her head because she really didn't know at the moment. It was then that she realized that she wasn't wearing her work clothes but her pajamas and he had even taken off her bra she thought, feeling grateful that he remembered how much she hated sleeping in it. She wanted to tell him that, and so many other things but she didn't trust herself to speak at the moment; she still felt pretty damn awful.

She reached for the mouth wash and took a swig, rinsing her mouth to get rid of the sour taste in her mouth. When she was done she turned around and looked at Mulder, probably for the very first time since he had left her at work.

„Just wanna get back to bed," she whispered; maybe she could get a bit more sleep before she was feeling sick again. She didn't trust herself not to and she could feel that she was still running a fever. She swallowed some Tylenol before they left the bathroom, wondering if she'd be able to keep it down.

„I don't want you to get sick," she whispered when they walked back to the bedroom.

„I really don't care," he said seriously. She sat down on the bed, feeling absolutely shattered by the time she got there.

„What are you doing?" she asked without looking up and in no time he was back in front of her.

„Getting you a new shirt, yours is all clammy," he said quietly. He was also sure there was puke on it but he didn't tell her. She lifted her arms without any further protest and he helped her slip the fresh shirt on. Scully leaned back against the headboard, propped up against the pillows. Mulder put the blanket over her but she didn't move nor did she look comfortable; she still seemed miserable and something told him they wouldn't get much sleep in the next few hours.

„You want me to keep you warm?" he asked and got into bed on his side.

„No," she whispered, sounding pretty unwell. She wanted to be close to him and feel his presence, she wanted him to hold her and make her feel safe like he always had but at the moment she thought she couldn't bear to be touched by anyone. She felt terrible and all she wanted was go back to sleep but she couldn't even do that. Her troubled body was keeping her awake, always alert in case she might be sick again and Scully wondered if she should just be sleeping in the bathroom.

She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on her breathing to ease the nausea that was still lingering somewhere inside of her.

„Whatever you need," he said. „Just tell me."

She nodded and tried not to move and finally go back to sleep.

What felt like an eternity turned out to be less than an hour until she was startled from sleep again with heavy labored breathing and they repeated the same routine they had gone through earlier until the nausea slowly faded. At some point she found herself laying on the bathroom floor and she didn't even care any longer. She was absolutely shattered and the cool bathroom floor felt wonderful on her flushed skin.

„Scully, you need to get back to bed," Mulder said when he returned to her. He felt sorry for her, hoping she would just be able to get some rest. The last three times that had brought her to her knees had sounded pretty painful since there was nothing left inside of her.

„Don't care, I'll just stay here," she whispered without opening her eyes. He knew he would give her everything she asked for, almost everything. He wouldn't let her sleep on a cold hard floor though because it was just a matter of time until the fever got worse again and she'd regret that decision. He brought her back to bed and tucked her in, leaving a bucket beside her bed just in case.

It was almost 5am by the time she finally seemed to be able to get some rest. The sun was already rising in the distance and she hadn't been sick in over thirty minutes so he was quite optimistic that she would get some sleep after all. She looked a little more relaxed though she was still running a fever; she hadn't been able to keep any of the medication down just yet but he was hoping they'd get there soon. Mulder had been drifting in and out of sleep until he gave up and left Scully to herself around six in the morning; she was asleep after all so he cleaned the mess they made in the bathroom and went downstairs to make coffee and call in sick at work.

There was no way he'd go in today and leave Scully all by herself. He didn't care that it might look somewhat suspicious but he would just go with the truth although Scully wouldn't like it for sure. There were times when he wouldn't have missed work for anything in the world but he could as well work from home - or not at all. Maybe his priorities had changed after all these years because his very first one was currently very sick and sleeping upstairs. Everyone at the Bureau knew they were living together so it wasn't a big deal, not anymore.

He poured himself a cup of coffee and a cup of tea for Scully although he wasn't sure she'd be up to drink it. Mulder remembered that he had been forced to go on vacation more than once during his entire time with the FBI and Skinner hadn't even asked questions.

„How are you feeling?" he asked and sat down on the edge of the bed on her side. She had opened her eyes, blinking several times when she came to her senses.

„You're not at work?" she asked and tried to sit up. He smiled at her, thinking that she had probably lost sense of time during the last few hours.

„It's too early, sleepyhead," he said. „And I'm not going anywhere."

„Mulder, you don't-"

„Don't worry, Scully," he tried to tell her. „I'll work from home and everyone's always bugging me to take some time off. How are you feeling?"

„Not sick anymore," she said and closed her eyes.

„That's a start," Mulder said. „I made you a cup of tea."

„Thank you," she said softly, still not sure whether it'd be a good idea.

„I'll get you some more Tylenol. I guess the last ones didn't do much to help you."

„Okay," she whispered and took whatever he gave her, it would do for now. A couple of minutes later Mulder crawled back into bed, reaching for the book he had been trying to read last night with Scully drifting in and out of sleep beside him.


	2. Chapter 2

Scully woke with a raging heart, drenched in sweat and startled from her sleep. Her chest was heaving and her eyes widened with fear. She tried to calm down, looking around frantically only to find the other side of the bed empty. Mulder was nowhere to be seen and she felt lonely. She tossed the sheets away and looked around but it was eerily quiet in the house.

She knew there was something she had to find, something she had held on so dearly just a few moments ago and now it had been taken away from her. She wanted to scream for help, wanted to find Mulder but she was scared and maybe she was running out of time.

Scully stumbled out of bed, her drenched shirt sticking to her warm skin. She knew she shouldn't be doing this but right now she was far away from rational thinking. She made it to the bathroom, holding on to the doorframe and her vision blurred in front of her. Scully felt the sweat break out on her face, feeling terribly dizzy but she couldn't stop looking.

„Baby," she whispered and looked around. That's what she had been looking for, that's what she was missing; she was trying to find her baby.

The fear was taking her breath away as she was desperately looking around the bathroom, scanning every little thing she could see but there was no sign of a baby. Nothing that indicated that a baby had ever lived in this place and it only started to sink in slowly.

„No," she whispered and shook he head. „No, no, no."

Scully reached for the sink, trying to steady her trembling body when the sobs started to seize her and she couldn't stop the tears from falling.

She knocked over a glass and a few bottles that dropped to the floor, the sound of glass shattering echoing through the room but she didn't care. Slowly she sat down on the edge of the bathtub, feeling strangely exhausted. Every part of her body hurt and she was starting to feel chilly now that she was no longer wrapped up in her blanket. It finally dawned on her that all of this had been a bittersweet nightmare; a memory and a dream, a trick that her mind had played on her while she was asleep.

At a time when she wasn't strong enough to fight off the demons of her past, that were always lingering close by, they chose to attack her when she was at her weakest. Only slowly her senses were coming back to life after she had been startled from her sleep and climbed out of bed without giving her body the slightest chance to catch its breath.

What she had seen had broken her heart; it had filled her with so much joy when she was asleep but it wasn't real, it was nothing but a dream that had torn open ancient wounds that left her in deep pain.

„Scully?" she heard Mulder call from somewhere in the house but she couldn't answer him, couldn't tell him that she was okay. Her voice was stuck in her throat and she was choked by all the emotion that was welling up inside of her, tightening her chest.

It was something so personal, her own kind of grief that she had carried with her for so many years, something she had tried to escape from, that was now crashing down on her with all its strength and she felt all alone but she couldn't bear being around Mulder either.

She heard Mulder's footsteps on the stairs when he came to see what had happened but it was something that appeared far away, something that was out of her reach.

She tried to breathe through the pain inside her chest but every time she did, it became a little harder. She felt the hot tears run down her cheeks and when Mulder reached her she couldn't even speak, there was nothing but heartbreaking sobs echoing off the bathroom walls. She was shaking, even harder now that she could no longer contain her pain. She saw Mulder crouch down in front of her, felt his hand touch her cheek and that little gesture of affection was all it needed to break her and push her over the edge. The pain was suffocating her because it didn't have a place in her every day life and as much as she knew that it would pass, she could no longer keep it hidden inside.

She leaned against Mulder, slowly crumbling and crying against his shoulder, weeping for something that she had seen only in her dreams but was so painfully real at the same time.

***

 _She was pregnant. She could feel the baby move and she couldn't wait to hold her little baby girl. It wasn't long now and her initial worries had faded week after week. A couple of months ago she had been sitting on the bathroom floor, crying when she had found out that she was pregnant._

 _She couldn't explain it, didn't know how that was possible. She had been scared because it wasn't something she had considered possible after such a long time and she thought that she was way too old to have a baby now. She had been terrified and confused but what had she been supposed to do?_

 _Mulder had laughed at her for being so emotional about this and it had taken him a couple of days until he had really understood what she had actually told him and when he woke up in the middle of the night, suddenly remembering her words, he had been as equally terrified as she had been._

 _She could feel her baby girl and she was so excited, certain that nothing could harm them now. A few weeks later she delivered a healthy baby girl at home with Mulder by her side and she had cried for so long now that she was finally holding her baby girl safely in her arms. She had kissed her on the forehead and breastfed her while her tiny hand held on to her pinky. She was tired but she looked up and smiled at Mulder who couldn't quite believe what he was seeing and that this had actually happened._

 _She could hear her cry, she could smell her and everything was fine but when she woke up the next morning she felt that something was wrong and when she walked over to the crib she found it empty. Her heart skipped a beat and Scully started to look around, wondering what had happened. It was quiet and she was starting to be afraid, knowing that this wasn't how it was supposed to be. What if they had come to take her child away again?_

 _She stood in the middle of the bedroom, feeling terribly lost. She wanted to scream for help, wanted to run through the house and find her baby but she was frozen in place. Her body felt heavy and she couldn't move an inch, no matter how hard she tried. Her fear of the truth had numbed her and there was nothing she could do. It was too late._

 _***_

She didn't know how long the dream had lasted since she had been drifting in and out of sleep the entire time. It might have been two minutes or two hours, she wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

What she did know was that it hurt, terribly so because it reminded her of ancient pain that she had long forgotten about.

She clung to Mulder, weeping against his shoulder. Only slowly did her cries ebb off and after a little while there was nothing but dry sobs leaving her lips. She was trembling, snuggling up against Mulder's chest. She loved his smell and the feeling of his arms around her; it was soothing and reassuring.

„Scully, what happened?" he asked softly, sounding very concerned. It didn't happen often that she was so openly emotional, that something threw her off like this but he knew that she was still running a fever and somehow she wasn't quite there with him yet.

She mumbled something that he couldn't make out the first time but when he tried to help her sit up he was sure that he understood what she was saying.

„The baby," she whispered. „My baby girl," she said again and again and Mulder felt his heart sink.

It was finally starting to make sense to him; she must have had a fever-induced nightmare that had completely thrown her off. He could only guess what it had been about and something inside of him thought that he didn't even want to know. Mulder hugged her fragile body, wishing he could protect her from any kind of harm because for all he knew she had suffered enough for more than one lifetime.

He wanted to take her back to bed and make sure that she stayed there and got some more sleep and this time he promised that he would be there when she woke from another nightmare. Her shirt felt clammy to the touch, drenched with sweat and he wanted to help her feel a little more comfortable before returning to bed.

„I will be right back," he said and helped her sit down on the edge of the bathtub. She wiped the last remains of tears away with the back of her hand and waited, not quite sure what else to do. Mulder came back just a moment later, bringing pj's and fresh underwear.

„You don't have to do that," she whispered when he filled the sink with warm water, squirting a bit of her favorite shower gel in. A few seconds later the faint smell of lavender filled the air.

„But I want to," Mulder said because he meant it and he wouldn't let her talk him out of it. „I promise you'll feel a bit better after that."

He turned around and helped Scully out of her shirt. She didn't protest but lazily raised her arms to let him undress her for the second time in just a couple of hours. She felt a shiver run through her when the cool air touched her naked skin.

Gently he ran the cloth over her arms and her shoulders and she sighed softly because it actually felt nice. Scully felt the soft fabric touch her breasts and kept her eyes on Mulder, thinking that she couldn't love him more.

She leaned forward and put her forehead against Mulder's, taking a few deep breaths. She had no doubt that the pain would fade and that everything would be better in a few days.

„Turn around a little," he told her.

She closed her eyes when he washed her back and once he was done he put the cloth aside. He was crouching in front of her and reached for the golden cross that she carried around her neck. It was twisted and he made sure it was in the right position before she dried herself off and slipped the fresh shirt on.

„I just wanna brush my teeth," she said and pushed herself up. She still felt weak and exhausted but now that she was up she wanted to make the most of it.

„Don't step into the glass," he warned her; she had already forgot about the glass she had knocked over.

„I'll be right here if you need anything," he said and placed a kiss on her shoulder when he walked by and left the bathroom. She weakly smiled to herself because Mulder was wearing comfy clothes and, for a man who claimed never to do that, he seemed to be getting used to it pretty quick. She didn't tell him but she was glad that he stayed at home with her. At some point she would have kicked him out, thinking it wasn't necessary for him to stay off work just because she was sick but now she couldn't be happier that he stuck around.

Scully brushed her teeth and splashed her face with water; her cheeks were still flushed and her eyes glassy and slightly reddened. Nothing she did changed anything about her rather pitiful appearance but it did make her feel a little better. She brushed her hair and tied it back, thinking that it could use a wash but what did it matter now? Gratefully she changed into the fresh trousers and panties Mulder had brought her before she left the bathroom.

„You wanna tell me what happened?" Mulder asked and Scully wrapped his arms around him, putting her head against his chest.

„Will you just hold me?" she whispered and Mulder walked them over to the bed without letting go off her. She noticed that he had changed their blankets and she was now crawling under his. It smelled liked him somehow and she loved it. He got onto the bed behind her, letting him pull her towards his body.

She sighed, feeling a little more relaxed.

„It was a nightmare," she whispered and felt the emotions well up inside of her once more. It was still there though not quite as strong as it had been a couple of minutes ago.

„I dreamed that… that I had…" she started quietly but couldn't quite get herself to finish what was on her mind. Somehow she had the urge to keep that from Mulder because she wanted to protect him from it, it was just a dream after all. Something her mind had made up.

„I dreamed that we had another baby," she finally said and felt the tears brim in her eyes. She turned around in his arms and he looked at her, their faces only inches apart from each other.

„It felt so real," she said. „I could feel it and I could smell her. She was so beautiful," he could see that she was getting tired again and that there was pain in these memories. He didn't know what to say or what would actually put her out of her misery, all he could do was hope that it soon faded and would be forgotten. He knew that these kinds of memories were rather sensitive and had to be treated carefully.

„Maybe you should try to sleep a bit more," he said softly.

„What if it happens again?" she asked.

„I promise I'll be here," he said and spotted the book that he left on the nightstand yesterday, maybe he could read some more once Scully was asleep. He was on vacation, at least that's what he told himself. He was known for never actually taking time off but he thought he might count it as vacation. He was with Scully and that was all that mattered, so he might as well do something with his time when she didn't need him.

„Can you imagine?" Scully asked sleepily and it took him a moment to understand what she was asking him.

„Having another child?" he asked and caressed her cheek with his thumb. „I don't know, Scully."

„I was afraid… that I was… that I would be too old," she said with a faint smile on her lips. „I was terrified but then I didn't care."

He could see that she was about to fall asleep any second, her eyelids drooping while she spoke.

„You were with me when she was born," she whispered and he could feel a dull pain inside his chest, wishing he had been there the first time when she had needed him most. „It was wonderful and she was perfect."

„I'm sure she was," Mulder said and thought about their son and how he barely got to know him. It had been so long but every now and then he thought about William and whether he was having the life he deserved.

She was quiet now, almost asleep and cuddled up against his chest. Mulder kept her close and listened to her even breathing. Knowing that he had let her down almost two decades ago still hurt up to this day but the only thing he could do was make sure that he would never leave her side for the rest of their lives. He had let her walk away a few years ago and he was determined never to let that happen again because it had been one of the biggest mistakes of his life.

He had offered to take her to the doctor but Scully had refused, saying that the medication she had, along with enough bedrest, would work well to make her feel better. So far the fever hadn't got worse so he had accepted her wish not to be taken to a doctor but she had agreed that he could do whatever he considered right once things got worse.

„I'll be here when you wake up," he whispered and kissed her forehead before he reached over and grabbed his book from the nightstand.


	3. Chapter 3

The next couple of hours passed in peaceful silence without nightmares or any other crisis thrown their way. Scully had slept most of the day, finally retreating to a deep and healing sleep that gradually brought down the fever. She hadn't been sick but she hadn't eaten anything either and Mulder was slightly relieved that she had, though unwillingly, agreed to have the tea he made for her.

She knew she needed to eat in order to get better, just tiny bits but at the moment her appetite refused to return and something inside of her was still afraid she might get sick again and she really wasn't in the mood to go back there.

She had fallen asleep after the dream about the baby and Mulder had stayed with her long after, making sure she would be fine without being able to concentrate on his book once more. His thoughts kept drifting back to what she had told him, and what had upset her so much that she had cried about it so heartbreakingly.

It wasn't something they addressed often; while they told themselves that they had to move on and they couldn't live in the past, they both knew that avoiding their son also had a different reason.

Even after all these years, going back there was far too painful for both of them. He couldn't say how things had turned out if they had tried just a little bit harder, if hey hadn't given William up and if he'd been by her side when it had happened.

There was always this bitter feeling inside of him, something he deeply regretted but what always tormented him most was how guilty Scully felt about it, even now. He knew it although she would never admit to it. Mulder knew that she had done what she thought was best for their child because he deserved a happy and peaceful life and he would never, not for anything in this world, blame her for the decision she had made. She had been forced to do something, brought on to her by a number of unfair and unexpected circumstances, that he would never wish on anyone and she had been so strong the entire time that he admired her for it.

He knew that dwelling on the past and what-ifs wouldn't get them anywhere but sometimes it might help to cry about it, acknowledge the pain and then move on. He had seen what happened if you tried to shut the pain out; it will turn on you and it will never go away. It'll just linger in the shadows, waiting for your weakest moment and then it'll attack with all the strength it had gathered over the years. The pain wouldn't last forever, it wasn't something you remembered for very long. It comes and goes and, while it hurts for the time being, it will go away and after a while you would remember that you had been sad but you probably wouldn't be able to recall what the pain had felt like, only that something had made you incredibly sad.

He had put the book down after a while and left Scully to herself, finally sleeping soundly on his side of the bed. He had prepared food and made sure everything was nice and tidy for when she finally came downstairs again. She only woke once, late at night when he was getting ready for bed.

She had smiled at him, through the heavy curtains of sleep that surrounded her, only briefly before she put her head back on the pillow. She didn't feel quite as warm as she had before nor did she feel sweaty when she turned around, rustling the sheets. She was dying to get out of bed and have a shower and finally wash her hair, but the fact that Mulder was getting ready for bed kept her just were she was. She felt warm and comforted, feeling a little better than she had before. Maybe the shower could wait until the next morning, it wasn't like she'd be going somewhere tonight.

„I can't believe I've been sleeping all day," she said quietly when he climbed into bed beside her; she reached for the bottle of water on the bedside table.

„You probably needed it," he said. „Are you feeling a little better?"

„I think so," she said and took a slow deep breath. „I don't feel quite so feverish any more," she said and put the bottle away, putting her head on Mulder's shoulder.

„What about… the dream?" he asked.

„It was just a dream," she said quietly but she understood. „It's just… I don't know what it was."

„You scared me a little," Mulder said and put his arm around her. Scully cuddled up to his side and put her head on his chest.

„I'm sorry," she said softly.

„We'll be ok," he said, his hand drawing soft circles on her lower back. It didn't take long for them to fall asleep and the next morning he woke before her like he usually did. It was still dark outside, the first signs of daylight gently lighting up the horizon but the sun was nowhere to be seen. Mulder remembered the crisp morning air at dawn and the way everything seemed peaceful and untouched until the sun shed light on the shadows of the night. He remembered the runs that had helped to clear his head and how he had used it to forget that Scully was gone and that the house was empty and that he had somehow given up on it, back in the day.

Quietly he slipped out of bed, careful not to disturb Scully. In the semi-darkness of the room he got dressed and put his running shoes on, leaving a note for her in case she woke up.

The air was cold at first but a part of him was starting to get excited. This time he wouldn't come back to an empty house and he wouldn't mourn the fact that she was gone. He wanted to run to clear his head and make up his mind about the things to come and what he was going to do about it. With that he left the house behind, running along a familiar path that he had long forgotten about.

By the time he came back the sun was about to rise and he sat down on the porch swing, watching quietly. He didn't know for how long he had been running and it seemed that every muscle in his body was aching after being neglected for so long but he was starting to feel good about it. It had helped him understand a few things that had been on his mind for so long and he knew there was only one thing he had to do, something he should have done years ago; he had to tell Scully something.

„There you are," she said softly, stepping out onto the porch, wrapped in the old blanket they kept on the couch.

„Hey," he said when she interrupted his train of thoughts. „Nice to see you back on your feet," he said and she sat down, leaning against him.

„I could say the same," she said and pointed at his running shoes.

„I'm all sweaty," he said. „I should probably go and take a shower."

„In case you haven't noticed," she said and looked up at him. „I haven't had a shower in almost three days." He smiled and she kissed him once.

„Just sit here with me," she said and he put his arm around her. The sun was rising slowly and it felt warm on her skin; she slowly inhaled the crisp morning air and it felt wonderful.

He had resented being up early for so long but now that he sat there, watching the sunrise with Scully, he thought about all those mornings that he had missed and he suddenly felt strangely accomplished. There was something fascinating about being awake when the day was taking its first breaths and shaking off sleep. He remembered the brief moments when you could see the horizon light up on one side with the moon still shining on the other, handing over when its job was done for the night. It was a beautiful sight to witness the change, and even more precious with Scully by his side and although all he wanted to do was enjoy the quiet moment with her, he knew there was something on his mind that he had to share.

He was aware that it might cause pain or that it could tear open ancient wounds but he knew it would heal and that things had to be said once and for all because he didn't want to move on like that, not with everything he still had planned. Maybe they needed a bit of hope, a fresh and clean start so early in the morning after being poorly for a few days. Lying here with Scully was something he hadn't even considered possible a few years ago and he knew he had to treasure these moments as long as they would last. It was like a chance at a new life, after a big disaster. He knew he was at risk of being cheesy but he didn't care because it was true and God knows they've had more than one big disaster.

Maybe Scully getting sick was exactly what they had both needed, something to ground them after such a long time. Never had they actually taken the time to rest and do something so ordinary and normal because it had always struck them as unnecessary or something they wouldn't do. He had to admit that he was getting used to it and he liked it after all.

It had shown them both how important it was to take care of themselves and listen to their needs, especially with the kind of job they had. They needed each other and they loved each other and maybe, slowing down a little was exactly what they had needed. Sometimes they just lived day for day, sunrise to sunset without paying attention to its beauty, without appreciating what it meant.

It was another day of waking up in the morning, of being able to breath sound and safe, another morning of waking up beside her. It was a new start and a reminder of forgiveness. How long had he guilty for what he had done so long ago?

He had never told her but he had never forgotten.

„Scully, I need to tell you something," Mulder said quietly and she listened, with her head on his chest, softly soothed by the steady drum of his heart.

„What is it?" she asked without looking up, her eyes glued to the golden sun, still low on the horizon.

„I just… I was thinking about something earlier," he said. She could sense that there was something serious about his words.

„What is it?" she asked softly.

„I know I made a lot of mistakes in the past," he said and Scully felt her heart drop. She knew they had both made mistakes, wondering what he was getting at. A part of her didn't want to go there, wanted to stay within that bubble they had created, where nothing seemed to be able to harm them.

„Things happen when you're with one person for such a long time," he said as if he was walking to himself. „There are things that come and go, things you just forget about and move one," he said and took a deep breath.

„I know I was an idiot back then," he said.

„No, you weren't," she said, remembering a time when she had thought that exact same thing but then she also had to admit that she had picked on it, had waited for reasons to pick a fight because she hadn't known what else to do.

„I know it's true, Scully," he said, drawing slow circles on her lower back and it calmed her somehow.

„I was so obsessed with my work that I lost track of what was right in front of me. I saw right through you, feeling lost myself," he said and sounded sad for a moment. „I had lost sight of the most important thing I had in my life," he said and Scully felt a gentle pressure on her chest, listening to these words. She had hardly ever heard him admit to such a thing and it felt utterly touching.

„That's the only thing I never forgave myself, Scully," he said and she bit her lip, not daring to interrupt him; she wouldn't know what to say. „I never forgave myself for the way I treated you back then and that I let you go."

She kept her eyes open, quietly watching the sun until it blurred in front of her eyes; she had not expected what she had just heard.

„I shouldn't have watched you walk away," Mulder said. „It was the most miserable time of my life and the most painful thing I have ever experienced and I hate that I didn't have the strength to hold you back, to make you feel like you should stay," he said. He wasn't angry or particularly emotional, it was just something that had been on his mind for a while now and he thought Scully deserved to know.

He smiled softly, holding her when he felt her body shake a little and he was sure that she was trying not to cry.

„I shouldn't have walked away," she said after a few seconds, her voice sounded a bit weak and emotional.

„I don't blame you," he said honestly. „You were just trying to save yourself."

„Maybe I should have tried a little harder," she whispered.

„Maybe I shouldn't have been an asshole," he said and she looked up. He could see that there were tears in her eyes.

„I said it before and I'll said it again: I wouldn't change a day," she said and he touched her cheek, wiping a tear away.

„Neither would I," he said. „Oh well, maybe a day or two," he said and she laughed.

„There it is," Mulder said gently. „Don't cry, I prefer to see you happy."

„I am," she said and put her head down on his shoulder. „Thank you for telling me this."

„You are the strongest woman I know, Scully," he said. „I can't change what I did but I can make sure that I will never lose you again," he said and reached for her hand. He had so many things on his mind and he wanted to tell her everything but then he thought that he might save some for the wedding. He had thought about it a lot these last few weeks and he had no doubt that, sooner or later, he would ask her but he just wasn't sure how to do it. He hadn't quite wrapped his head around that yet.

„Don't mess with me like that when I'm sick," she said with a smile, muttering against his chest. She was feeling way too emotional after the last few days but she was grateful somehow. It had once again shown her that she had done the right thing and that there was only one way it had to be and that she was in the right place.

„Are you feeling better?" he asked and she nodded.

„Yes, I think I do."

„Not feeling sick anymore?" he asked, just to be sure.

„I think I'm starting to feel hungry," she said. She hadn't quite figured it out yet but maybe it was time to give it a try.

„Do you want coffee or tea?" he asked.

„I think I'll go with tea. I actually like fennel tea," she said, knowing that a lot of people only drank it when they felt sick and didn't like it very much but she enjoyed it.

„But I think I'd love to have a shower first," she said and sat up.

„You need help with anything?" he asked, not wanting her to faint from not being on her feet for a while.

„Actually," she said and pushed herself up. „I was hoping you'd join me," she smiled at him and he got up, gently kissing her. He looked at her and smiled, feeling a little better than he had this morning.

„I like that," he said and took her hand, leading them inside.

***

„So, this is what we're going to do now?" she asked after the shower, making camp on the couch. She was wrapped in a blanket, balancing a cup of tea on her lap.

„We've got plenty of time," he said and dropped down beside her, handing her a plate with buttered toast.

„I thought you were going back to work tomorrow?" she asked. Somehow she was hoping she'd be able to return too just because a part of her felt like she should.

„We're not going back until Monday," he said and smiled.

„Oh my God, what did you tell Skinner?" she asked with a mildly scared look on her face, hoping it wasn't something embarrassing.

„He didn't even ask," Mulder said and sipped his coffee. „I think he was just happy to get rid of us for a while," he explained and Scully couldn't blame their boss.

„He always said that I need to take my time off and here we are!"

„You're not counting this as a vacation, right?" Scully asked and raised an eyebrow at him.

He shrugged and smiled.

„I read a book," he tried and she rolled her eyes.

„You know," Scully said and nibbled on her toast. „Normal couples go to the beach or some other nice place for vacation."

„Do you wanna go to the beach, Scully?" he asked and he could picture her in a lovely bikini, just sunbathing by his side. He wouldn't say no to that although he couldn't quite picture himself at the beach but it might be different with Scully around.

„I don't know, maybe," she said and smiled. It had never really occurred to her but someplace warm sounded very appealing now. „It doesn't have to be fancy, I don't need one of those touristy beaches and lots of sightseeing… I just want something nice and quiet," he saved that information for later purposes, trying to push away the image of taking off said bikini and kissing her salty, sun-kissed skin and smiled.

„Not fancy, right," he said. „I mean I did get to hold your hair while you puked."

„Thanks," she said dryly and leaned over to hit him on the arm. „How was your book?"

„Fucking waste of time," he said and reached for the remote. „Are we gonna watch something now, G-woman?"

„Yes," she said and finished her toast while she stretched out her feet and put them on Mulder's lap.

„As long as it's not some kind of documentary that involves anything unnatural," she threw in when he browsed through the Netflix selection.

„Damn," he muttered under his breath and kept looking.

„Hey, what about-"

„No," she said before he could even finish his sentence and started laughing. She kept doing this three more times and he knew she was doing it on purpose but he loved to hear her laugh again so he didn't interrupt her. In the end he chose the first episode of Sherlock and ignored her fake protests, knowing that she actually liked it.


End file.
